A bit of medical humour

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians:

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient gets chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permis-sion. The patient will need disposition, and we will therefore get Dr. X to dispose of him.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home whilst having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Patient has neck veins distended down to ankles